The Right to Feel Part 1

In this webinar replay, from the 25th of Jan 19, we shared the following tools:

  • Single Focus vs Diffuse Awareness
  • The Well
  • Provider vs Supporter
  • Listen to Learn
  • What if no one is misbehaving

Transcript of the webinar about the Right to Feel by the Generous Marriage Podcast Team

Hello. Hello. Hello. Ziv Raviv here together with my co-host and partner Shachar Erez. Hi Ziv. Hi everyone.  Hi. Hi. And He, well here again on a generous marriage, podcasts, webinars. So it’s not a podcast, it’s actually a Webinar. So, but by the generous marriage focused team, um, and uh, if you didn’t hear about this yet, that’s really weird, but it’s generousmarriage.com  it’s a free webinar where we, uh, explore the notion of a marriage that is generous. Is that a real thing or is it just the Unicorn? Of course it’s a real thing. So what we help people achieve, it’s how I think of my marriage days. It’s so I think your marriage is, isn’t it? Well, there’s always like a tide of of like ups and downs, like in any partnership in any relationship. And it’s a, a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it. Yeah. And in good days it’s generous and hopefully most of the days are good. Definitely, and um, I would like to share our slides for today on a topic that is so delicate and not something that a lot of people talk about it. I feel, and that is the right to feel. And what is that? That’s such a mystery. We’ll explain everything.

Let’s go right into it. So I’m going to try and share my screen. Oh, key dokie. We’re almost there. Yes. Lisa Peterson is saying good morning. Good Morning Liza. And uh, she’s asking you if we have a zoom link, or just live? oh, we actually have is zoom link and I think on, on the actual post. Uh, but uh, like if you are writing this down, Lisa, so the ID for the zoom tool is eight two seven five one seven four eight, seven. So eight to seven and then five, one seven four, eight, seven. And I think I put the link inside the actual zoom posts. Um,Shachar did you see it there? You did, yeah, you did. Okay. Awesome. Awesome. So here we go. I’m going to check with you guys if you’re in the right place. So, um, definitely if you’re married because you are the generous marriage podcast or if you’re in a deep committed relationship, then this will also be valuable for you. Then stick around.

Um, you know, some people are actually concerned about the relationship between men and women at large. You know, not just your relationship with your woman or your relationship with your men, but what is this, you know, this thing called men and women. Is it really like the same, uh, is it a little bit different? We, we’re going to actually address some things here, in a very honest and direct way. We want to talk about it. We think it’s important. So if you’re concerned about that, then that, then you’re in the right place. If you had enough with all of the pain that comes very often, you know, when it comes to communicating your feelings, sometimes you don’t even know how you feel because you don’t have the legitimacy to feel in the way that you will, uh, used to feel. So we’re going to talk about feelings today. Uh, that’s an interesting situation to two guys talking about feelings within each other and tried to, um, connect to, uh, to the way that we feel and to also research that was done.

Ah, Shachar you are our, um, I will, uh, academic, uh, uh, uh, a representative. You have been studied psychology and counseling for many years and been counseling for over a thousand couples. And so, uh, we are, we are always coming back to check, you know, if what we are feeling about feelings is actually backed up by science and we’ll talk about that today. Yeah.And uh, you know, if you just follow us around and listened to the generous marriage podcast, then thank you. And you’re definitely in the right place if you understand what we’re all about. So we want to provide you some quick value and Shachar,What I did was basically, I went through all of the information that you’ve, that you’ve researched and try to kind of connect to how I read it into all sorts of tools that are very inspired also by the walk of a Alison Armstrong. Uh, we’ve uh, online, uh, courses, uh, under understand understanding men.com. So, uh, I wanted to give kind of like a, like maybe three. Let’s do three takeaways that I think people should take today.

And I wanted you to let me know if you think this is something that, uh, is like, uh, a good idea. If that is something that if someone comes to you for counseling and they take this from the counseling session, if that’s good for them on that. So the first takeaway is its a sneak peek, but men and women has a different way most of the times for most of them, most of the men and most of the time, for most of the women, um, they have a different way to perceive, uh, the surrounding around them. And we’re talking about single focus versus a, diffuse awareness.

Men and Women are different – Single Focus

Basically single focus means you focus only on one thing. And a lot of time, uh, people describe women as multitaskers. And that is, we’ll know one way to look at disability, to have scan vision, to look at everything at the same time. And that is another way to tell, to call it is diffuse awareness. If you are aware of the fact that that many, many times, men have single focus, that means that there’s a good chance that they are actually, um, they need more time in order to connect with the feelings because if they are, uh, if they are doing one thing, it’s hard for them to do another thing. And uh, you might get, uh, insulted ,by them ignoring you when they are focused on this one thing that are focused on, but they’re actually not, they don’t have any intention to insult you they’re just very, uh, limited in the way of how many things they can focus on at the same time.

Difference between Single Focus and Diffuse Awareness

Um, Hey, uh,Shachar, why, why do we need single focus in our lives? Why do I need single focus in our lives? That’s a good question. Uh, to achieve goals, to overcome challenges, to have directionality, to know where we’re going to be able to focus on one thing and this truck and, uh,mute the other distractions. Yeah. And plus we need to hunt some tigers. You know, we used to be hunters, uh, in evolution takes time. So like 40,000 years ago. Um, men needed to hunt stuff and then the single focus allowed him to, uh, overcome all sorts of obstacles that are very physical on his way. So, so these days the obstacles are not that hard. Uh, like the like hunting a tiger, but they’re very hard in other aspects like, like a business relationship in life.

So a similar focus comes handy when you have a big problem you want to fix. And uh, diffuse awareness, you know, back then, uh, was extremely valuable in collecting berries and making sure you’re collecting the right berries and making sure that the cave is safe, uh, with all of their needs like food and, and so on. And so we have these, While you’re doing all this, that the kids are safe and that, you know, where is your sister and what’s going on with your mother and, Yup. So those, these tendencies, very instinctive within us, they’re part of who we are as human beings for most of the time. For most of the men, and most of the women. Uh, and that is the first takeaway that you would need to remember. Allow yourself to feel in a way that is a limited by your spectrum of awareness.

Concept of the WELL – Result of Single Focus

The second takeaway that we want to give you is all about the concept of the well. So this is a side effect of single focus, which is that, uh, when you are trying to give an answer you, you want to commit to the answer in this takes time to commit to really think well about it. Because if you like this, the, the, the whole notion of a single focus is that you’re going to commit to getting results. That’s what the single focus mind does. You commit to getting results and then all you do is try to get the results. So you think because you’re going to only focus on one answer, one question one answer, you think that it’s extra important for you to be the right answer.

So instead of just answering and just pulling out some water from the top of the, well, when someone with single focus, men needs to give an answer, he needs more time. Alison Armstrong actually recommends just waiting for 18 seconds, 18 seconds. That’s a lot.That’s a lot. But it’s really important insight because women often get insulted and they don’t understand why men, you know, push number way and think so much. And men often get annoyed by the way that women interrupt their thinking process.And I think it’s really important for men to know that about themselves as well. Because like you can go through years of never getting to the well. Every time, you know, when you’re trying to think of an answer, people stop you in a don’t give you enough time to commit to an answer and then you, you just just keep being interrupted and never gets to those deep thoughts that you actually have. And then you think you’re shallow, you’re not sure or you just need, you need a little bit more time.

Roles of Men and Women’s Partnership in Marriage- Provider vs. Supporter

So the third takeaway is the idea of looking at the roles that we take in partnerships. So basically like a marriage is a partnership in the roles can be split into provider and supporter. So provider also known as the provider and protector is someone that wants to take ownership on getting the results and the supporter or the supporter and the enhancer wants to support the provider in his world. Now a lot of times there’s all sorts of situations in marriages where uh, either no one takes ownership  on a specific topic, let’s say finances.Uh, it could be, No one wants to take ownership. That’s one option. It can be this, both men and women are very dominant and wants to be the provider and that creates other types of frictions and it can be uh, that, you know, one person understand the teas, the leader on this specific topic he needs to, to get the results for both.

And the second partner is a supporter. Just the idea of allowing yourself to understand who you want to be and who are you, who do you perceive yourself to be? That idea of you knowing your, you’re actually provider or you are actually a supporter is very, very powerful because you know what the best thing is supporter can do. You can ask, what is the big question that a supporter can ask, which will be amazing, Shachar. [inaudible] how can I support you? Boom. Exactly. This is amazing question is so often forgotten.

The surprising healing power of the Veto Power

How can I support you? And then, you know, a provider, one of the things that can be generous if he does his, even though he know that he’s the leader on this specific topic, even though he knows that he has, because he’s the provider, he even has the veto power, which is a built in power of, of a provider. And he chooses not to use the veto powerHe chooses to listen to the supporter. It chooses to, to, to, uh, reach decisions together. So that’s a generous point of view for some of the clothes that he is a provider. And then the fourth takeaway, oh, there’s a fourth one.

Importance of Listening to Learn

So the fourth takeaway that we want you to take a today is all about listening to learn. And this is the notion of like, when you’re listening to your partner, you don’t need to think about about, uh, yourself in what it means about you between the lines and, and being upset about stuff and just try to understand, uh, why, where is that a person coming from? What, what does it mean about their feelings? What does it mean about their opinions, about their experiences? Really try to understand like listen to learn will include, uh, some questions like, and what else made you, um, reach this decision? Have you experienced something like that in the past? Um, tell me more about, uh, about, uh, your sources of information. Tell me more about, you know, what, what, um, why, why are you thinking this way? I clearly listening to to without being judgmental and all, um, that is something that creates a bond and a connection and actually something that can, can help you go through a lifetime together. Yeah. Communication is so much about listening that’s really important.

What if no one is Misbehaving?

Yeah. Yup, Yup. And a takeaway number five, the good old classic of answer. Lapstone uh, what if no one is misbehaving? And that is like really a deep topic. I think in order to really understand this idea, you need to stick around for the rest of the Webinar because the whole point is that no one is misbehaving. We just act according to our making, our genetics, our tendencies, and uh, because they are somewhat different or very, very different as we might, we will explore today. Uh, this creates a situation where one person might think that the other one is misbehaving. Uh, basically, you know, a lot of times women look at men and think about them that they are misbehaving in comparison to a women, to a woman that misbehaving. And men look at women and think, you know, they’re misbehaving for a man. Like we judge other people according to what we think we should. We feel in certain ways and we think other people should feel with the same mechanisms and they don’t. They don’t. So this is why we should always remind ourselves, well, maybe they’re not misbehaving. Maybe they’re just following their, their, their instincts,their DNA.

Nice. So I want you to now lead our way into this Shachar where, what are we doing today? We are first going to talk about ourselves, introduce ourselves a little bit and the generous marriage podcast and then we’re going to talk about differences between men and women. And then we’re going to show how society is hurting our right to feel for men and women. And then we’ll, we’ll see how we do it to each other. How are men and women heard each other’s right to feel. And at the end we’ll teach you how to come out of that loop and how to be more nourishing with each other. I think there’s another bullet there. How to help each other grow and, and uh, be nourished and feel cared for and bring out the best of ourselves. These are all, some, some really deep stuff that can allow you to, to take care of yourself to, you know, you can watch this on replay later on. Again, try to, like go through this process again and again, understanding your own way of feeling, your own mechanisms, understanding that we are doing all sorts of things like the society is doing all sorts of things to you to minimize your ability to feel in your own mechanisms.

And then we do it for one another. Uh, unfortunately. And we have some suggestions, uh, even staff that were well researched that, uh, are walking. I remember when we were talking about, uh, John Gottman, um, that has a, the Gottman Institute, uh, for, for in his researches, uh, these topics for, for Millennial, uh, or stuff like that. Uh, ever since last, like literally. And then, uh, you know, he talks about the masters, like the masters of communication and of partnerships in uh, yeah, in relationship and those masters, they understand how to minimize the hurt that they caused each other and how to fix it and how to come out of the loop and how to know. Uh, so I think it’s a very important. .

Who is the team behind the Generous Marriage Podcast

Who are you, Shachar? I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. I used to live in California. I was licensed there first. Now I’m in Israel for the last couple of years and here as well, working mainly with couples, also married to Judy and the father of two beautiful kids. So I know the challenges from the inside, you know, not just from the professional side and it’s like a mission I have in life to help eh, couples fall in love again and just, you know, help people understand that it’s okay the way they are and that they can show each other who they are and that’s really creates a falling in love kind of feeling. I love it. It’s really, it’s really powerful stuff. Um, I, I’m a businessman. I ran online schools. I have podcasts like the generous marriage podcast, but they have other ones. And this is what I do. I married my high school sweetheart, so, uh, we were married 16 years. We have three kids. You can see them in the picture over here. Um, and, uh, my, my, uh, passion for studying this topic of relationships and the generous marriage, uh, curriculum came from actually from this huge business, a drive and need to grow. And I noticed that the more I invest into a building the relationship, uh, uh, like getting unstuck with all sorts of things in the relationship and creating a better balance for me and my family.

The more I did that, the more I made more money. It was just ridiculously good. And so today, uh, I, you know, Shachar and me together, we are trying to pass the torch to share this knowledge and these ideas, uh, with other people so that more people will experience a generous marriage. And this is not about the end goal. It’s a journey. And we think this journey, uh, it’s worthwhile to practice those notions, to learn the values of the generous marriage and, and just to have the benefits of, of a really good communication and balance. So I have a question to you, Shachar. Uh, are men and women different? Yes and no, but we’re going to start with a yes or gonna show the differences first, go for it. There are many levels of differences and we’re not going to touch all of them. We’re just going to mention a few. You know, there’s a physical differences and men tend to be higher and stronger on the upper body and women get tend to be stronger on the lower part of the body. You know, going through labor is something that most men, I don’t know if most men will be able to go through. And the next bullet is about the brain. There’s a lot of research about that, about a female brain and the male brain and the differences between them.

Men and Women are Different- Brain Size and Hormones

And is there such a thing or not? And I remember you told me they like researchers, like of the brain, there’s like an 80% chance that if they look at the brain, they can identify if it’s a man or woman. So 80%, uh, there’s no such thing as completely male brain and completely female brain. But if you let the scientists, a brain scientist brain scan and they could know in 70 to 80% if it’s a male or a woman, it also, I’ve heard that’s maybe a like a brain, the brain sizes is slightly bigger on, on the women’s side, the eyes and connects, the amount of connections is different and a different parts of the brain are bigger for men and for women. For example, gray matter with men use more gray matter and women use more white matter matter. Well let’s not go too into it, but that’s, yeah, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Those uh, those differences affect, uh, also the homeowners. So tell us about that affect and are affected. I think, hormones are one of the, maybe the strongest thing in our bodies and men have more testosterone than women and have more estrogen. And that is what changes the brain and makes a more masculine brain and more feminine brain. Yeah. And if you can see it, with the little kids. You can see it with the boys being way, way more physical, and they have this, oh, this, this drive to run and to fight and to play with cars like, like there’s all sorts of tendencies. You do see some of the, maybe all social as well, but uh, many of them are just the effects of testosterone. Right. And it’s hard to differ what’s in it, what comes from the hormones and what comes from society.

But it’s good that both, eh, have an effect on us. I didn’t try it, but there’s also exit Towson, which is the love hormone, the connection hormone, the bonding hormone, which women will have way more than men and also have it, but women have more. Yeah. So, yeah, from the, just the hormones make us be more feminine or more masculine for sure. Yeah. Plus, uh, these changes in the brain as you grow older. So men start with a certain level of testing on, but it goes down as they go older. And even, uh, you told me there’s the researchers were during, uh, when your spouse is pregnant, the level of testosterone go lower. And that’s just amazing how we can, how will brain identifies. We don’t need so many, so much testosterone right now in blowers, animals, right. Nature wants us to stay with a woman and with the unborn kid, with the future of our kids so we can protect and provide and not run away after more womens, testosterone levels go down. Yeah. And at the same time, uh, you know, high level of testosterone creates this tendency for single focus in also for women when they grow older. Um, especially after menopause a day actually start to produce more testosterone and then suddenly they focus more easily on one thing and stuff like that. So this real, real change that is coming your way in your life. Yeah. There’s, there’s also genetic tendencies which are quite clear the differences between men and women, you know, from genitals to, I don’t know, women’s ability to get pregnant and the period and, and all of these things, you know, genetic making of us as human beings that has an effect on hormones that has an effect of the way the plan works. It has an effect on the way we feel things, the speed in which we feel things. And we’re not, we’re not saying which one is right or wrong.

Both of them are right. The whole point of the right to feel is to embrace, right. You’ll always have both ways. Have gifts to share with. There was, we need both. Yeah. So all of these together basically effect, you know, uh, the way the, your physical shape, your, your brain size and style, uh, your hormones, your genetic tendencies, all of these affect the way you think, the way you feel, the way you act, the way you respond. And therefore it’s worth, uh, you know, noticing that we are different in ways this affect our day to day life. In what way do you think we’re not different, Shachar? Well, we are all humans and that’s more common than the differences. We are more similar than what we think that the reason we are focusing tonight on these differences is because it’s really important to see that we are an integration okay. Of Masculine and feminine tendencies. But we all have a core, we have a, a male brain or a female brain and male core or a female core.

And it doesn’t have to correlate with whether you are a man or a woman, but most men tend to be to have this male core. And most women tend to be to have this, uh, female, uh, core. Yeah. And Go ahead. Now go ahead to the next one actually. Ah, okay. So we basically, uh, we want to straighten the wards a bit in like put things on the table. Um, this is all about terminology, right? So the differences in the brain, the differences in the hormones, they create this tendency for most men, for most of the design to have single focus and single focus creates other stuff like this. Um, strong. Uh, um, uh, strong notion of get getting in into a direction in producing the results and providing for the people around you. And it’s all about being present, right? Men Masculine at its best when, when it’s nourished and then welcomed. Uh, men are very present. Yes. Presence is just, Eh, engaging in this is, uh, we, we’ve, we’ve decided in, this is very common in the academy to give this a two to look at it the other with another word instead of every time explaining that single focus can create these needs for producing results. And that single focus caused by testosterone, creates this need to be providing. And when you do get accepted for who you are, you have this huge presence. All of that we call this in one word, and that is muscularity. Opening masculine. So what is femininity? Femininity. Um, Shachar. Well, it’s a lot about scanning the environment and being connected to other people and things. Eh, for a more, a simple, on a more symbolic level, it’s, it’s kind of circular.I see. I see. Masculine is an Arrow and the feminine is a circle. Hmmmm.

Gift is about care. They’re really good at caring. And there’s this whole diffuse awareness that you talked about and their ability to notice so many different details at the same time, which most men just can’t. Yeah. And women at their best when they are loved and uh, they feel safe and cared for, they shine. You know, the best of the masculine is some sort of presence. The best of a woman is shining. Isn’t it beautiful how that’s exactly the, like the, the attribute that we we’re attracted the most to, like men are attracted to this shine. They get, they get enchanted by this shine and women they get, uh, they, they fall in love with his presence. This powerful presence of men, of a masculine men. Um, so it’s really at our core, we know all this stuff. Yes. And, uh, we, we can, we can reconnect, we can connect to and like embrace and accept our muscularity and our femininity. Hey, Shachar. Do you have, uh, a certain part in you that is feminine? Of course. Many. I’m quite masculine. I’m quite a macho guy, but you know, I’m a therapist. I’m all about connection. I’m all about people I know really well how to connect.

So I’m not as good as my wife at connecting, but I’m pretty good at it. You can say I’m feminine and you know, I guess I have more shoes than my wife, I guess in that I’m much more feminine than her. Yeah. I think go from horror examples, but yeah, I have parts that are feminine and parts that are masculine. Yeah. The core, but sure. But you embrace a therapy, and you embrace taking care of people through that and, you embrace connection, you don’t feel a miss, like, ah, not aligned with yourself because have both. You have a you should not feel degraded, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. This is something that, uh, is, is okay to talk about again, um, with the metal sexual men, uh, and with, uh, I dunno, I will talk about myself personally. You know, I have, I’m an artist. I have a balloon artist. Uh, I, I performed to kids and when I perform to an audience, I want to connect with them. And I also run a school for balloon artists and for magicians. And so like I have times where I’m very masculine and I need to produce the result, which is a new online course for my audience, my customers, so that they could get what they need, they want to provide for them. And it’s times I just want to connect with people and see where they are at the journey and, and care for them. And so you can have both. It’s not that you can, you have both. When you perform, you shine, right? Yeah. So it’s all about terminology.

If you, if you, it’s not about being a man or a woman, uh, on the biological level in terms of genitals or something like that. It’s all about this tendency to single focus that we call muscularity because it’s easier to connect all of these. Uh, and uh, also that’s what we do in the academy. We give things names and that was, we just did. And now let’s continue on a more, uh, a more, a direct level and clearer, easier to understand. All right, before we go to the clarity we do want or we do want to say, that we are aware that we are two Hetero male privileged. And with that comes some blind spots, and we apologize in advanced when we are not sensitive enough to all kinds of people and uh, and sexual identities and, and all of that. Really sorry. We know all of us are an integration of feminine and masculine qualities. It is important to us to focus tonight on the differences. And we know that some men have a feminine core and feminine brain, and some women have a masculine brain and core and that’s perfectly okay. And we know you’re not treated well and we’re sorry about that. And we’re going to do our best, to treat all people equally. And I would join to the apology. Um, it’s wrong. It’s wrong when people don’t have the right to feel, no matter what it is they’re making in their mix of hormones are they, no one chose as a baby, uh, to have more of these hormone, or more of that hormone. Or more of these genes or more of that genes, you are who you are.

How to have a Good Partnership with Your Spouse?

At the same time, we, we think that there is a way to help people to, to, to be, to understand what society does uh to you and how they diminish your, your opportunities to feel according to your own making. And we think that if you really want to establish a generous marriage, a good partnership with your spouse, you need to respect their way of feeling, and your way of feeling too. Obviously you need to honor yourself first. Just like in an airport, I’m flying to flying in like four hours for now. Uh, but I, you know, when you’re on an airplane and you need to put your mask, your, your oxygen masks, you need to put it on yourself first and then on your kids. And that is a, a very interesting matter for all. We want you to honor yourself first. We want you to know how do you feel and just for the purpose of, um, being efficient in the way we explained the tendencies were going to work with, uh, the statistics. And that is that most men have a masculine brain, and most women have a feminine brain, as researched by, by biology and by doctors and by medicine and by all sorts of fields, uh, and have been proven again and again, that men have masculine brain, men has more testosterone, men has more single focus, most of the time most of the men. And women has more feminine brain with the fuse awareness and all of the things that comes with it. So we are sorry if you are a, maybe um confused about all of this but just stay stick around a little bit longer and I think we will be making uh, our opinions very clear. Yeah. So, um, you know what you start with with this one? Yeah.

Single Focus-Men

Let’s talk about men first. So we’re gonna name some qualities of men when named some of them like single focus, but we’ll talk about it quickly again, cause it’s so important. You know, man’s, we have this tendency like a hunter. We go after our mission, and it’s like we have this telescope and we can’t see anything else when we’re on the mission. Anything else is a disturbance. So when my wife that I really love, wants to connect with me while I’m on a mission, it’s hard for me. It feels like a disturbance and honestly missions though they can be silly. Sometimes the mission is to go get food. Sometimes the mission is to go to rest. Sometimes the mission is more serious, his work, his preparing something, but it’s just that when I’m in this mindset of mission mind of single focus, it’s really hard to connect. I just want to say I really, really, really relate to this picture. Like my, my daughter’s already know that and my boy as well, that when I’m at work looking at the phone means I’m at work. I’m trying to kind of send the message to a student or helping or support him or to a teacher and I met work. Just the fact that the phone is in front of me, this is what it means. So I’m single focused at working. They know there’s no point for them to talk with me and suggest stuff and ask for help. They actually just ask me, can you put your phone down for minutes so that you could focus on us? So it’s really something that you can learn to live with it.

There’s a lot of benefits in being single focus, and it’s something you should be aware of and something that, your surrounding should be aware of as well. Right? And for me, what helps me when my wife wants to connect. It’s good if she asks me if I’m available, if she can, you know, acknowledge the fact that I’m on a mission that helps me for some reason. I love it. There’s even a word for that in, in Hebrew. It’s like a shell and it’s another way of saying, can I interrupt you? Can I interrupt you? And in Hebrew it is just like one word that says this all thing in one sentence. Um, uh, so, uh, another thing that comes very strongly with being with a lot of these testosterone is this desire to be a hunter warrior. Now Hunter Warrior is two different things. Hunter wants to hunt the deer, and bring it to his family in the cave and basically to provide, and a warrior is there to protect you. To, to go and fight other people so that you will be protected. And this is his tendency that throughout, like seriously, if we’re going to apologize, we need to apologize for that. As men because wars throughout the history of mankind, even the war this term, mankind, you know, human kind was well done by men, mostly like 99 by a point. I Dunno. I think, um, mainly men fights in the history at least. And that was the tendency.

That was what we were requested to do. That what we did, we created wars and we fought and killed people in those wars. That’s a horrible thing. But it’s the truth. You know, it’s part of history of even the present in many places, unfortunately. So what’s good about that? Well, it’s not, it’s something that has a lot of good qualities in that. Well, first of all, if you have a lot of testosterone and you, uh, and you, you are aware of that, that you can embrace the fact that you want to provide and protect. It’s a part of, you’re making, you want to provide and protect to the people that are around you that you love and that you feel like the, you own them. You own the right to protect and to provide for them. And knowing that embracing that helps you feel better about yourself. At the same time, if people are around you accepting your gifts of protection and providing with them, that’s when you have this presence. That’s when you feel fulfilled as a man. That’s why, that’s why we know, you know, don’t go and hunt stuff. You don’t go and fight. But we be aware that you want to be a protector. You want to be a provider. Okay. Committing to an answer for men, every word has meaning, has a, what’s the word I’m looking for? Weight is, uh, it’s really important. So before we speak, we need to go really deep down the well and bring out some water from the deep well of our being, to give the answer because we’re committed to that answer.

It’s written in stone. Whatever you ask, it’s like this is the answer and this is Truth! capital T. yeah, very different than women. But maybe we’ll talk about that later. But women communicate more to connect,unless, you know, they can change their mind and it’s okay. They have less weight about it. For us, there’s something about the reliability and about the truth that’s so important. So, when you ask a man a question, it’s good if you wait for the answer and dearly digs down the goes down the well and brings up the, uh, those precious water. Yeah. And it’s all, it’s like a combination of, of underlying principles that are masculine that’s happened here because you are a single focus and you, you’re dedicated to creating results, provide results. If you will give an answer, which is wrong, um, you might waste a lot of energy and we will not produce results. So you better be right with your answer because then, you know you’re going to commit to later on hunting, what, what you need to have you, we’ll go and need to provide that. So, men sometimes are afraid to give an answer that is that well established because they really are going to commit to that answer. They have, uh, uh, the justifications for it.

They have like all sorts of, uh, previous experience that they will check. They have reliable resources that sometimes the reliable resources are their experiences with, with their spouse, and they use all the information to fetch the answer. And then if the wilder fetching the water, if you ask them another questions, the amount retrying the whole thing, the whole process restarts. So, um, another thing that comes with single focuses, the notion of transition time again, because you’re going to be focused on one thing at a time, between moving from one thing to another thing that you are focused on. You have something called transition time, that all men has that in that in all transitions. But, uh, for example, the most common transition time that a is documented, uh, is the, you know, coming back from home. Some men work from work, so it coming home from work. Some men actually has an entire ceremony where it’s like a cave man if comes home and puts in puts, puts the spear in the right place and puts the bow and arrows and then you know, these all a ceremony of how to come back to the cave. Men sometimes come back home and they want to check their emails and they want to check the newspaper and they want to unwind for 10 minutes in the TV. If that happens with your men, that’s a perfectly normal tendency because of single focus. They need the transition time so that they will choose to commit to something else, which might be to listen to you or to be with the family.  I think it’s also because of, Eh, the armor that we wear outside and that we want to put out, put off when we get home. We want to disarmed or so we can connect with, with our wife. Yeah.

Why Men Should Learn to Listen to Women? 

What, what is that all about? Listening to the point of the problem. I’m laughing because I teach it in my practice all the time. You know, man, we listened and we want to hear what’s the point of what she’s saying and we want to fix that problem. Because the point is, is usually a problem and we’re good fixer. We want to fix it. And that is so bad in communicating in a relationship because women, you know, they feel diminished when we solve their problems. They feel dis-empowered. They want to know that we know that they’re capable. So men really need to learn to listen in a different way. Listening with their hearts, listening in a way that wants to connect rather than solve a problem because, women’s feelings are not problems. Yeah, it’s, it’s quite amazing how, you know, if you know that your protector and provider, then it’s clear that you want to fix stuff, because that will be a way to protect and the way to provide. But at the same time, you need to remember that women have this tendency to connect. They need to talk for the purpose of connection.

They need to a you to listen so that they will feel that there’s a strong connection with you. When you’re stopping them in order to reach to the point and rich to the problem. It’s just, just the same like with the, well, and you, if you ask them and you wait for the well for the answer, if you listen as a men to women, listen for the sake of listening, not for the sake of providing and protecting because that’s not what she’s looking for at the moment. She’s trying to connect. Right? She would want you to fix something. If she wants you to fix something, she will tell you. Trust her. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Uh, and, and, and it would be generous of a women to ask amends to fix stuff and provide for it because they want to, that’s an important point here, right? Yep. Let your men do stuff for you. Yes. Um, so women, yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Women, you know, they’re, they’re, uh, uh, awareness is more diffuse, you know, look at this mother with two kids and talking on the phone and cooking and probably there’s another thing going on on the other room and she can, multitasks can take care of all of this. And it’s probably evolutionary, probably connected to the way we wore as a hunters and gatherers and the way that women needed to be able to, Eh, be aware of so many things that a the same time and make sure that nobody picks the wrong Barry and all the kids are safe and all their sisters and, and the mothers are all safe.  

You really want one like that, around you. Like that’s a superpower. Yes, yes, yes. It comes with a certain price and we’ll talk about that today or even on our next webinar. I have a feeling that we’ll going to do this in two parts. Uh, this is such an important topic. Uh, but we’ll wait and see. So, um, another thing that it comes with diffuse awareness and that is a direct results of a lot of estrogen in your brain. If you have a lot of estrogen, when you just are very aware of everything and then you can identify did the berry that is poisonous and you can identify the berry that is not tasty. And to remember like, Oh yes, the berries that are on the upper part of the bushes, which are exactly near the Fed tree, uh, of this tight, uh, after you cross the river but not, uh, on the south side, on the north side.  

And like you, you remember all those details, you pay attention to them because you know, that this one berry is going to be tasty and the other one is going to be really good. Um, and what happens next is that you send your, your men to bring something from the supermarket because you’ve had that you should give him an opportunity to provide and protect, but then you need to explain to them which, uh, which I don’t know, catch up container and you need, and then, you know, you give them more details there that they can, uh, bear sometimes. And that causes a lot to have a friction potentially. So, uh, this attention to detail, is something is very, very feminine.  Yup. And that’s why women get upset when the husband brings the wrong yogurt from the supermarket.

Don’t bring me the wrong berry. Exactly. Okay. Um, all scream at the same level. It’s connected to the diffuse awareness. All the things that need to be done that need to be taken care of. They just scream. And the woman, this poor mother here, um, you know, she goes around the house and the laundry is screaming and uh, and the part of the flow that needs to be swept is, is screaming and a remembering to buy the kids a uniform for the soccer team tomorrow is screaming at her and uh, doing something for her husband and just, you know, the list is just endless. Yup. And really hard to stop, really hard to relax, really hard to take care of herself because of that. And for men, you might think if you’re single focus, you will look at this and you will say, why? Why are you doing all of these together? At the same time, just talk and do only one thing. And, but that’s not the way the, the masculine, that’s not the way the feminine brain works. The Feminine Brain keeps noticing things that you need to do, and keeps telling you and even screaming at you, this is not right. You need to fix that. Oh, why is that happening this way? Fix that, take that. There’s an opportunity. You should do that too. And all of these voices, uh, they’re, they’re all there. And, uh, all, uh, you know, at the same level. So what about connection?

Why, why, why do women and femininity is so connected to connection? I think that’s evolutionary, that a, and the times that we were a caveman, a hunters gatherers, and let’s say the men would go on a hunt and there were hardly any men left with the tribe. Women had to connect they had to take care of each other. They had to take care of the kids. Groups are stronger than individuals. So connection makes the tribe eh stronger. So even if the woman is, is, is maybe not as strong physically as, as the man, she’s better at connecting and maybe she’s even stronger. Thanks to that. I look back at like a in imaginary cave where does a cave women and she has a baby. And if she will not connect with other women around her, she will be in a real risk because she’s very busy, even potentially weak after giving labor.

So all of these mechanisms of, of creating this desire for connection, which is, you know, a lot, a lot of it is because of, of the estrogen hormone. All of this is actually a way to save yourself when you need it, you know, to get yourself protected, uh, when, when you need that extra protection or that extra, um, things that you need, you know, um, which maybe explains why it’s very easy for, for women to ask for stuff. And like, because there’s always a connection, it’s like a part of being connected to ask for all sorts of things. It’s a proof of the connection. And then for the hunter, it doesn’t looks like logical because he’s trying too hard. Something, why should we stop hunting that enhance something else? It just takes more, uh, benefits for him to understand that it’s worth it. So, um, there’s a lot to be said about the inner critic. That’s both of us, men and women has a, but it’s a little bit different in the way that it affects us. Um, why would please start with the ideal woman? Shachar, what is that all about? I want to say that this is where problems, begin, women tend to compare themselves and everybody else. Women and men, to some ideal woman, they integrated from their past. It, you know, it’s, it’s connected to their mom and connected to some notion, some idea of a perfect woman and everything is compared to that woman. And nothing can be as good as her. You know, the, the woman that has this idealized woman can never be as perfect as her.

Eh, her girlfriends can never be as perfect as her husband can’t even be close to that, you know, is not even a woman. So it’s probably misbehaving. And this comparison just sucks. Excuse my, uh, professional language. It creates shame, and we can vary this shame. So we throw it at other people and it just, this is where problems begin. And I, it really, Eh, direct result having that estrogen and that scan vision because you are so well for all of the things around you. You, you, you create or, your brain creates this voice within you that tells you what is wrong. This is wrong, this is also wrong. You should fix that. Um, and that ideal woman talking to you inside your head, is not you. It’s not you. You can, you can detach yourself from her, um, from what she tells you to do and decide to not always listen to what she’s telling you to do. And I really think it’s biological. Like I just had a, my daughter, she’s eight years old and she came to me and it was so clear the ideal woman was speaking through her when she noticed all sorts of things that are wrong in the way that, uh, me and my boy, we were taking a shower together and she will notice, um, how we are wasting water in southern ways. And like it was clear she had this ability to scan what is happening around her and noticing, hey, you’re doing something wrong and giving us her opinions. But actually, you know, there was an ideal woman in her brain already, uh, telling her what is going on.Um, but we men, we also have this idea of a better men and the better men, for many men, uh, it’s actually someone’s specific, like all combination of a few. So it might be like the way that my dad thinks about laws, and the rules and it might be the way that my uncle is very successful in business and all sorts of things. And we also create a lot of shame. Uh, we felt selves when we compare ourselves to the better men.

Ending

So, uh, I want to, um, to ask you Shachar, um, we are really close to the, my, to the mark of a one hour and we have some really important stuff, about the right to feel how women and men feel differently in about how, how people can get out of the loop. What do you think, uh, we should do now? We should, yeah, I not sure I feel we should save this. Just start with this in about two weeks’ time when we’re doing our next webinar. And we will like even connect everything together with software, uh, like we’ll, we’ll edit everything together on, on the website or something or, or just put the two videos, part one, part two. That’s probably easier.

And that way, people will uh, be able to catch up with the rest of the presentation, what it does make sense because we have a lot more to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think it’s all important stuff. So here’s what I think we should do. I’m going to get ourselves into a, the end of the slides. So really a lot of good stuff. And so in the next time that we meet guys, uh we will go into parts two have the right to feel and in it, we will share how men and women have different ways of being held by society. How men and women help each other, um, in, in marriage and in partnerships. Uh, because of misunderstanding of how different, uh, how men, um, feeling how women feel and what is the mechanism behind it. And we will also provide you guys with tools, um, um, of how to know of each other.

Of how to overcome this huge difference in the way that our brain, um, creates hormones and it is affected by those hormones. So muscularity and femininity, uh, are two different ways of looking at things and getting things done and feeling and at the same time, uh, we can embrace them and uh get a lot form understanding them in ourselves and in other people. So I think we’ve established the differences and we can from, here go directly when, when we continue in about two weeks’ time, um, in the, how will people know when is the exact date of when we’re going to do the part two of the Webinar, Shachar. You’re the tech genius here, you tell me. You will go, they will go to the generousmarriage.com website and they will be, you’ll just invited to, you know, download to all of the free bonuses in one of the podcasts. That way or just sign up from the homepage to the email list. And we will let you know on an email in about two weeks’ time about when we’re doing part two of the Right to Feel. Shachar is any, uh, any, any other last words then a bit weirded out. I’m a bit surprised. I didn’t expect this to happen, that we, you know, we didn’t plan the presentation so great and we’re kind of stuck in the not stack, but we kind of stopped in the middle and they wish we shared more about the positive sides of all of this.

But yeah, well I guess I’d have to postpone my excitement for another two weeks and we’ll talk more then. I think it’s a, it’s a little bit like, uh, when you’re trying to hunt this big mammoth and suddenly you will so close. She was like over the it then suddenly it was almost going to happen, but then the mammoth escaped. However, right. We now have the tracks of where is the mammoth. We will follow the mammoth for two weeks and we will hunt it down for you. Um, and we will do that soon in the next webinar. I thank you so much everyone. I’m going to stop the recording and uh, we’ll meet you soon.

 

Podcast

Weekly episodes with stories, tools and research that will help you make your marriage generous

By

Shachar Erez, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, 12 years married, father of two

Ziv Raviv, 16 years married, father of three