Summary of this Episode
In this episode of the Generous Marriage Podcast we discuss:
The story of Sheryl and James, who were in major distress – they had hard time communicating, they were fighting a lot, yelling, shutting down – their couple’s dynamic was at its worst. After some time in therapy they got over their emotional challenges. They felt close to each other again, felt like they were on the same team, and they were able to have fun together. But, they were having hard time having sex again. Going through years of distress, and months of high intensity fighting, they didn’t have sex for more than a year, and they were both helpless at approaching the topic of sex.
After learning about the of habits that couples who have great life do (see below at the research section), they chose one habit they can implement every couple of weeks. They started with things that were easier for them, so they can get an experience of success on the path to having great sex.
First they chose “playing and having fun together”. Then “saying I love you every day”. Eventually they got to “talking comfortably about their sex life” which was challenging for them, but when they got through the challenge, it reignited their sexual flame and helped them overcome their fears and shame.
- The tool of implementing habits of sexually happy couples in your life.
The research that was described at The Normal Bar, a book based on surveys of more than 70,000 people about their marital satisfaction. One of the things the authors Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte were curious about, was the difference of between couples who reported having a great sex life to those who said they had a bad sex life.
They found out that happy couples often go on date nights, call each other pet names, hold hands, kiss passionately, give each other back rubs and say “I love you.”
In the book they offer ways to make the tiny changes that help maintain and nurture loving relationships.
Dr. Gottman made a list inspired by their findings, and based on his research and created a list of 13 things couples that have a great sex life do:
- They say “I love you” every day and mean it
- They kiss one another passionately for no reason
- They give surprise romantic gifts
- They know what turns their partners on and off erotically
- They are physically affectionate, even in public
- They keep playing and having fun together
- They cuddle
- They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
- They stay good friends
- They can talk comfortably about their sex life
- They have weekly dates
- They take romantic vacations
- They are mindful about turning towards each other (rather than away from each other)
Bonus: A Guide to Support You Through The Process of Implementing Habits Slowly and Steadily.
To download the guide click the button below: